By
Melvin Durai
When I graduated from college, I was excited about one
thing: No more tests! For the first time in my life, I was a
free man. I could do as I pleased, go where I pleased,
without being graded, without someone looking at me
sympathetically and saying, "Sorry, Melvin. If you had only
worked twice as hard, shown twice as much enthusiasm in
class, you might have earned yourself a 'D.' See you again
next year." (For some reason, the grading scale went from
'D' to 'F.' I'm still trying to figure out what happened to
'E.')
My post-college bliss lasted several months, then one day I
came to a grim realization: Life is full of tests. You just
can't escape them, no matter which government office you
hide in. Even in your last days, when you can barely feed
and clean yourself, your doctor will be putting you through
tests.
Doctor: "I'm still awaiting the results of your blood and
urine tests, Mr. Gupta. In the meantime, I'd like to test
your sweat. Do you think you can produce a little?"
Gupta: "No sweat, Doc. None whatsoever. Last time I sweated
was 1972. Why don't you test my saliva instead? I have no
trouble producing that."
Doctor: "Yes, I can see that. Here, please take this
napkin."
I've had to take a number of tests since college, including
eye tests, driving tests, and sanity tests. Perhaps the
toughest test comes every Valentine's Day. I call it the
"What are you going to get her this time?" test. With my
romance skills, I've never received an 'F' in this test. My
wife has a complex grading scale and I usually score
somewhere between 'Y' and 'Z.'
Marriage gives me two other tests every year: anniversary
and birthday. A few years ago, I failed the birthday test,
not because I couldn't think of the right gift, but because
I couldn't think of the right date. Ouch! For several days,
I walked around with my head held low, wishing I was back in
college. At least after those tests, I didn't have to eat
Cornflakes for dinner.
But Valentine's Day is the toughest of the marriage tests,
because you don't just have to impress your wife, you have
to compete with other men. If your wife's co-worker has just
received a dozen roses from her husband, you'd better not
send your wife a dozen doughnuts. Even if you've included a
special message: "These doughnuts are sweet, but not as
sweet as you. These doughnuts are round, but ..." Trust me,
you'll have a lot of explaining to do.
You: "Honey, remember how you always say that it's the
thought that counts? Well, I thought about getting you
roses. Really I did!"
She: "Yes, it's definitely the thought that counts. And
you're a bigger idiot than I thought."
Valentine's Day is so commercialized that the only thought
most men have is how to pay off the credit card. A dozen
roses can cost as much as $100. Women love roses, yet they
want men to be creative. On Valentine's Day, with roses
being sold in almost every store, picking a rose involves as
much creativity as picking a nose.
But if you want to pass the test, you'd better buy some
roses, unless, of course, you can afford something with
diamonds in it. And I'm not talking about a deck of playing
cards.
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and
occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he grew up
in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the
early 1980s. To read or subscribe to his columns, go to
http://www.melvindurai.com Write to him
at comments@melvindurai.com
Advertising Information 
