Hi Folks:
How is everyone enjoying the autumn season? Lots of
crispy crunchy colorful leaves eh? I love this
season!
I have several different letters and issues that have
come in so I will share three of them with you at this
time. First come first serve. Just so none of you
think I am picking and choosing. I will answer the
next three next week.
QUESTION
Hi:
I am an 85 year old woman and my daughter phoned me
the other night and started telling me (again) how
angry she was with me because I had phoned and left a
message on her answering machine. Her boyfriend got
the message. He and my daughter live together. She
told me she did not want him to know anything about
her buying a new computer. All I did was leave a
message asking her if she had gotten her new computer
and if she had, how was she enjoying it? She had told
me she was going out to buy a computer and was quite
excited about it. She did not tell me that she didn't
want her boyfriend to know she had bought a new
computer. She is very sneaky and lies to her
boyfriend and I never know what she wants him to know
or what she doesn't want him to know as she doesn't
tell me until AFTER I have made the mistake. What
should I do? Georgiana,
Drayton Valley, Alberta
ANSWER
It sounds like your daughter not only does not want
her boyfriend to know some of the things she does but
that she does not want you to know she is hiding
things from him. This may be why she does not tell
you ahead of time that she doesn't want her boyfriend
to know anything about what she is telling you and she
just takes her chances and hopes you will not say
anything. But it is HER character defect in the way
she deals with her issues between her and her
boyfriend not YOUR MISTAKE. She draws you in as a
third person (what is called TRIANGLING) and puts the
blame on you instead of owning that it is her
responsibility to let you know if she does not want
something she has said to you to be known by her
boyfriend. You might want to tell her for future
reference that if she does not tell you that she
doesn't want her boyfriend to know something then do
not phone you and make you responsible that he finds
out. Another suggestion is perhaps it would be best
not to leave messages on her answering machine other
than saying you called and would she return your call.
You cannot prevent your daughter from her lying and
deceit towards her boyfriend or you or anyone else but
you can remove yourself from her firing line and the
above suggestions might help you do this.
QUESTION
Hi Therapist from Kelowna:
My brother just got a call from an agency, that he
hired to find his son, whom he gave up 25 years ago.
Well, his girlfriend gave the baby up for adoption.
So, the boy is 25 years old now and has talked to my
brother on the phone. My brother told his wife about
this baby right from the moment they met so she has
known that one day he wanted to see his son. She is
very happy for both her husband and the boy. My
family is thrilled and so happy about this happening
in our lives and they welcome the boy with open arms.
I will have another nephew. But, I find myself being
very jealous of the attention this boy is getting. It
is a little sickening how everyone is acting like God
himself is coming down to declare the second coming!
I am feeling left out and on the outside of things and
I don't know why I feel this way. Part of me wants
this to never be happening so everything will be the
same and I won't feel left out, second best, like I am
no longer important. I don't know how to stop these
feelings. I am shocked they are inside of me and
starting to act out. I say things I don't mean to say
and act in ways I don't mean to act. Where do I fit
into things now? Why is everyone so willing to accept
this boy? I want everything to just be like it was
before and I don't think it will ever be the same
again. Can you help me? Karen
Winnipeg, Manitoba
ANSWER
Well, I must tell you that I empathize with you Karen.
I feel your pain coming through your letter. I also
hear that you really want to try to accept this boy
into the family and into your heart. Sometimes we can
talk about something and think about something but
when it becomes a reality we find we have some other
feelings lurking around that start coming up. I am
wondering if you are the youngest of the children in
your family? How close are you to your brother?
There are many questions I would have to ask you for
us to journey through this together so you can see
what is going on with you. So, I suggest you might
want to find a therapist to talk with and bounce this
off of. We find our own answers often when we hear
what we say and this is done by talking with someone.
We also find our answers by hearing someone reflect
back to us what we say to them. Often we really
don't realize what we are saying as our feelings are
so strong and churning inside of us. I hear you say
that you want everything to be the same. I am
wondering why your very family foundation (for you) is
getting so shaken by this issue of someone else coming
in on the scene? I hear you say things like you feel
left out, second best, where do you fit into the
family now and why are they accepting him? It seems
like you are saying that the fact that your family is
accepting someone else into the clan, you are losing
your place. I believe you would definitely have to go
back to your growing up years and walk through them
and look at things back then. You would most likely
find that all these feelings you are having originated
from back there and you have carried them with you
into adulthood. Where other family members seem to be
looking at this addition to their family as something
that will be added to the family dynamics I hear that
you are looking at it (feeling) like it will take
something away from your place in the family. I do
indeed invite you to find a therapist and work with
her to deal with this issue that has become of
monumental porportion. To tell you at this time that it
is you and how you react to your feelings that is and
will alienate you from your family will not help you
through this. This is a fact that you may not be able
to comprehend right now until you learn how we do
these things to ourselves. Please let me know if you
do go and see a therapist. I also suggest, because it
seems like your family is close and accepting, that
you might find a family member you trust (your
husband?) and talk with them about this. You might
find there are others who share your feelings and
would be relieved to find out that they are not alone.
Just remember, when our foundation is shaken and we
feel we are losing our place in our family - in a
situation like you have presented here to me - it
isn't about the other person who is stepping into the
family circle. It is about you. If you take on this
responsibility from the beginning your journey to
understanding and acceptance towards yourself and the
boy and other family members will go much more
smoothly. As I talk to you I wonder if you are also
feeling betrayed by other family members? Many
questions to explore in this issue. What about
talking to your brother and telling him how you are
feeling? Please let us know how you are doing as you
reach out to help yourself through this issue that is
very valid in your life. I applaud you for reaching
out and speaking up. I hope you continue to do so.
When we feel left out and like no one is any longer
there for us - this is the time to step in and be
there for yourself and do what you must to help
yourself through this transition. A therapist can
help you do this.
QUESTION
Hi Ya Mate:
This here is Willy. I was a christian since I was
born. I am 40 years old. My wife left me 3 years ago
and I fell apart. We were in the ministry together.
Now, three years later I have decided to leave
Christianity and I smoke, drink, have gone out with
other women and had sex. Now I have a wild girlfriend
and she is moving in with me. Most of my friends have
left me. I am mad at God for taking my life away from
me and now I will do what I want. My friends are all
christians and I find them judgmental and
non-accepting of my life-style now. Who are they to
say anything until they walk in my shoes. They are
bigoted christians just as I once was. The church is
a farce! I am mad and very angry at God and hurt at
the dirty deal He gave me. So, what do you say oh
counsellor. You probably will turn your nose up at me
too. Who cares! Willy
Twilling-gate, Newfoundland
ANSWER
Hi Willy. Glad you wrote. As far as your religious
beliefs go I won't touch on them as we all have our
personal experience with God and the valleys we go
through and mountain tops we are given are very real.
What each of us do with these experiences that life
gives us vary a great deal from person to person. It
sounds to me like you need to take some
responsibility in how your life is changing in regards
to you and your friends. Did you originally choose
these friendships because you shared something in
common with them? Like perhaps your faith, your
ministry, your christianity, your morals and values?
I am hearing from you that your shift changed your life
and therefore the shift would change the dynamics of
some of the friendships you have. They haven't
changed, you have. Some of the things you had in
common, you no longer have in common. I hear you say
that you are no longer interested in sharing some of
these common interests with these friends. Why are
you angry at your friends when you have decided to
make different choices in your life? With the more
recent decisions that you have made in your life
perhaps you might want to take responsibility that
your life is going to change in many areas. Why do
you expect them to come over to your line of thinking
and living just because you choose to handle loss,
heartache, confusion and abandonment by turning on God
and your faith. Perhaps it is time for you to stop
looking outside of yourself at others and take YOU on
in all of this. I see that you are very angry and
this is one of the steps we must indeed go through
when we experience major losses. But, it sounds like
you might be stuck in this stage if you are still in
it 3 years later and also blaming everyone else for
how your life is now going. You made the choices that
have changed your life. I am wondering if you are
also angry at the consequences that have come your way
due to these choices? It sounds like you are also, at
this time, questioning your spiritual value and who
you really are. We all seem to come to this fork in
the road and often we do this when some major trauma
hits our life and shakes our very foundation to bits.
But again, as long as you focus on blaming everyone
outside yourself you will stay in more resentment and
anger. This does not make for a healthy relationship
with your new woman and you may find one more loss
added to the others you have experienced. The
emotional baggage we bring into a new relationship
mirrors back to us what the contents of that
relationship will be like. I feel I am also hearing
from you quite a bit of rebellion. You know in the
long run that this will only hurt you - not everyone
you are angry with. They will move on and let you go
and you will be left to sit in your resentment and
anger. You know Willy, as I read your letter, I hear
quite a bit about abandonment: your wife, your
friends, God. I am wondering if indeed you haven't
abandoned yourself when in actuality this is the time
you need you the most! Do you perhaps feel that you
have also let yourself down along with everyone you
feel has let you down? I invite you to think about
the changes you have chosen to make in your life and
the consequences of these choices and how it is
changing your whole life around. What works for you
with your changes by all means hang on to, but what
doesn't work gives you the option to make some new
choices around those issues. Be kind to yourself and
others on your journey, Willy. What you give out, of
yourself to others, is what you will reap back from
them. But please do consider taking the journey of
finding someone to talk with, that you trust, so you
can work towards experiencing wholeness in your life.
This is it for now folks. Keep the letters coming. I
love to hear from you and I get many letters telling
me that your questions, etc. help many people who have
the same issues as you who write in to me.
Embrace life and plant Autumn Kisses on the colourful
palette of this season on your journey to more
fullfillment and contentment.
Shar
=====
WORDS HAVE A LIFE;
WITHOUT RESPONSE THEY DIE.
- Russell Hoban
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