Dear Readers:
Thank you so much for all your e-mails of concern and support. I am now back on track and settling into normalacy again - after the Kelowna Fires and Evacuation, etc. So, let's go!
Get your cup of coffee/tea and settle in for some interesting
reading.
Dear Shar:
My girlfriend drinks waaaaaaay toooooooooooo much and I don't see her stopping any time soon. I don't know what to do about it. I have talked to her and told her how I feel about it and how it affects me in our relationship. She is good for awhile but then I see the same pattern start all over again. She starts drinking more and more. She now hardly eats anything because she doesn't want to gain weight and she just drinks. I want a life with her but this isn't good. I don't know what else to do. Can you help me out here?
Niacin
Kelowna, B.C.
Hello Niacin:
It sounds to me like you feel you have exhausted all avenues you know of, to deal with the issue, of your girlfriend who you feel drinks too much. From what you have told me I hear that you are quite sure that she is not going to change yet you continue to tell her how you feel about it and how it affects your relationship with her. Sounds like it is time for other strategies and some boundaries on your part.
This issue that you talk about has now become your problem as you are the one who does not like what is going on. Perhaps it is time to ask yourself what you want in a relationship? Why do you stay in a relationship that you say does not work for you? Why do your give your girlfriend double messages, telling her that her drinking is not acceptable to you, yet you stay. You don't back up your words, with action. What is this about? Why do you want to be in a relationship where your partner is more interested in drinking than working on the relationship? It all comes back to you Niacin as you are the one who is uncomfortable in this situation.
It might help to talk to a friend, minister, therapist, anyone who has a sympathetic ear and someone who will encourage you to set boundaries and act on them. Find out what you are willing to have in this relationship and what you will not have and then decide what action you will take. Be careful not to give out ultimatums to your girlfriend unless you are willing to back them up with action.
You say you know your girlfriend is not going to change. Are you willing to change and take the responsibility to deal with yourself in this relationship? Remember Niacin, no one can be there for you like YOU can. You know what your needs and desires are but do you know why you are in a relationship where they cannot be met? This is the golden key that will open the door to YOU changing YOU. I wish you the best. Do let me know how you make out.
Dear Therapist:
Hi, how are you? I am fine if people would leave me alone - like my parents and friends. I don't like being told what to do and I do not want you to tell me what to do. I want you to listen to me and if you tell me anything I want it to be what I want to hear. Do you understand?
I am 15 years old and live on my own so I can do what I want. I can drink if I want to. I can sleep with whomever I choose to sleep with, and if I want to do drugs once in awhile I can do that. I am my own person and I will do what I want. Screw them.
So, I am expecting you to tell me what I want to hear and not what you think I should hear. Get it?
Marleene
Twilling-gate
Hello Marleene:
I am not sure what it is you want me to tell you. After reading your e-mail it seems to me that you do not want people telling you what to do. I do not know your situation: whether you are self-supporting or whether your parents or social services supports you, so there is a lot of empty spaces in your letter that I would benefit from knowing.
If your friends and family are talking to you about your drinking, sleeping around, and doing occasional drugs I believe they definitely have your best interest at heart. Perhaps you could try hearing what they are saying. This does not mean that you have to do what they think you should do but you might find some treasures of wisdom inbetween what they are sharing with you that you might try on for size in your own life. You don't have to tell anyone that you are doing this, just yourself.
I wish you well Marleene. Fifteen is an age of exploring different things and seeing what fits for you and what doesn't. You find many treasures when you have people who care that have your best interests at heart. Perhaps you might share with others that you are willing to hear them if they will stop telling you what to do and talk with you about some suggestions they have that you might want to try. We often hear others more clearly when they speak to us from their heart, suggesting things, instead of throwing out words that bang against us with a thud - telling us we are no good and we should do this and that.
I look forward to hearing from you again.
Dear Ms. Shar:
I attend a church and I am shocked and disturbed at what is going on. It is a small church but I don't think this matters as I also go to my friend's church sometimes and the same thing is going on in her church and that is 10 times bigger than my church. So, here is my issue I want to present to you.
In my church there is a man who preaches (he is not the preacher) and he drinks like a fish out in the community and says he is witnessing for Christ while he is drinking in the bars and all. Go figure eh? Then, there is a pastor, in my friend's church who makes his own wine and drinks. I don't get it. It is all so confusing for me. I went to my pastor and shared this with him as I know folk who are being damaged by this. He just sits there and grins and tells me he is not aware of anything and that God must of put a veil over his eyes so he just loves on them. Oh brother! Talk about twisting the Word of God around when there are issues to be dealt with eh? Or, am I wrong in this too?
Am I wrong to think this should not be happening in Leadership? What ever you say I will adhere to.
Wilma
Nova Scotia
Hi Wilma:
Hi, how are you today? I notice that you say at the end of your letter that you will adhere to whatever I tell you. I think it would not be in your best interest to do this. I think it is healthier to yourself to hear what I have to say, weigh it up against your own values and belief system and if there is anything you can add to your own value system, that is great, if not, that is fine too. No one can tell you what you should think or feel and leave you feeling whole and in tact. Making your own decisions is the way to walk in your own integrity.
I hear that you have gone to your Pastor and that it does not fit, for you, what he said to you. I also hear that you have grave concerns about what is going on in your church leadership and in your friend's church. Are you willing to find another church, are you willing to stay where you are? First of all these are questions you might ask yourself. If you stay, are there other things you would do to deal with this issue? If you go, what will you do if you come up against it again in another church? I do feel deep empathy for you as this is such a delicate issue - an issue of the soul perhaps one might say.
It does seem (I hear it often) that Church Leadership has let down some of their values. This of course does not mean that you have to let down yours and you are free to seek out a church where they have integrity in their leadership. Or, you can stay and you certainly do not have to compromise your values in your spiritual life.
You might want to talk with someone you trust who is in leadership in your church and talk about your concerns or perhaps a christian therapist. You have several options and I do hope you will stay on this until you make some decisions that you can live with. Do keep in touch and let me know what transpires from you dealing with this issue that you are deeply concerned over.
Hi There:
Well, how are you today? I am pretty good but I am so tired of my mother telling me that I am going to hell if I drink. If I drink I drink, when I don't I don't. I always use to hide it but now I don't. I live with my mother but I do not have any liquor in the house as I respect her wishes. But, I do have a few glasses of wine when I go to my brother's place. I didn't use to do this as I know it does not please my mother but I am in my 30's and I am starting to be my own person.
The problem is that I feel guilty when I am true to myself. I feel good (for the moment) when I please my mother. Then I hate myself afterwards. I feel like I am on a merry-go-round and I don't know where "off" is. What can I do? I go back and forth from pleasing my mother to standing true to myself. Which road should I take? I need some peace in all of this.
Diane
Bloomingdale, Arizona
Hi Diane:
I am wondering if the problem for you is your mother telling you that you will go to hell if you drink or could it be that you are dealing with your own spiritual values re: drinking? Do you feel guilty when you drink because your mother doesn't want you to or do your feel guilty when you drink because of your own spiritual values? There are many questions that I would want to ask you but this is a sense I have. Invite you to write me back Diane and fill me in on some information about your own belief system and your own values? Are they the same as your mother's or do you have your own set of values?
Why is pleasing your mother at the expense of displeasing yourself, so important to you? Does your relationship with her stand on you pleasing her and doing what she wants you to do and being who she wants you to be? Would this be a replica of her? Is your mother controlling in other areas of your life?
If you would like to sit down and think about these questions and answer them for me and write me back I am open to this. It sounds like you are on your own 'growing journey' and at such times we question who we are, what we believe in compared to the values instilled in us when we were growing up, who is it most important to please, ourselves or others, and when do we operate in either one of these?
I sense that you feel some despair, confusion, and guilt but I encourage you that this is indication that you are on a journey of growth and change and the victory comes after the pain. Do write me back Diane.
Hello:
My ex-husband is still in my life and always wants me to go out with him. I have two children by him so he is involved. They are 18 years and 20 years. One son is living with his girlfriend and they have a new baby and the other son still lives with me. My ex-husband calls me daily. He is a truck driver. My sister and the rest of my family say that we act like we are still married. I divorced him because of his drinking and cheating. He still drinks and cheats. He bought me a diamond ring and says we are engaged. He wants me to marry him again but I won't do it until he changes. I love him very much and hope one day he wills stop his drinking. I wear the engagement ring. If he wants me so much why doesn't he stop the drinking? I use to go out with him on dates, after we were divorced, and sit and watch him drink for the whole evening. I stopped that as it was boring for me. Why am I so attached to him? What should I do?
Reta
Brandon, Manitoba
Hi Reta:
What should you do? I can't tell you what to do Reta but I can suggest to you that you will have to look to yourself/within yourself to answer that question. When we feel stuck it seems so much easier if someone comes along and tells us what to do. However, have you ever noticed that if we don't like what they tell us we just keep doing what we are doing. If they tell us what we want to hear (which is usually to keep doing what we are doing at that time) we then like what they say and feel we have been given permission to continue hurting ourselves. Well, I am not going to do either but I am going to invite you to make the decision of what you should do by taking responsibility to make that decision yourself.
First of all Reta you can drop using your sons as a reason that your husband is in your life. It seems to be that it is YOUR life he is in and not so much in THEIR lives. Why do you use your sons as a reason that you are as deeply and intimately involved with your husband as you are? Your sons are old enough to decide for themselves if they want their father in their lives. Your family asks you why you act like you are still married if you don't want to be with him? Why do you keep your pain alive and well by being connected with your ex-husband while he continues to drink and cheat on you? Why would you wear his engagement ring, giving him the impression that you are indeed with him, when he continues to drink and cheats? You ask me why he doesn't change when he knows how much pain it causes you when he drinks and cheats? I don't know the answer to why he does what he does but I do feel to ask you why you stay closely connected with someone when it causes you such pain? You say you hope he will change one day. What I invite you to do Reta is start from today and take on your own life and yourself and start being responsible for how you treat yourself.
Why should he change for you when he has you in his life, to the degree he wants you to be, and he can still continue on with his drinking and womanizing. Why would he change for you. He has it all. This is why I say that when and if he is ready to change for himself, he will do it, with or without you in his life.
He is not going to change for you. He may, one day, change for himself but his message today is that he is not going to do so. Your message to yourself, today, might be why do you go along side him when his behaviours cause you pain? I strongly suggest you put him aside right at this time and take yourself on Reta. Until you do this it may be impossible for you to work on issues around your husband. Working on issues around yourself, about you, is the first step.
In closing I feel to ask you why you give your husband double messages? You tell him with words that you will not be with him because he drinks and cheats. You tell him with your actions, because you accepted and wear the engagement ring he gave you - knowing that this is a commitment in both your eyes - that you ARE willing to be with him. I think you may want to work at making a decision you can stick with and that your actions are congruent with your words.
You have a lot of work to do Reta. Get going gal and write and let me know how you are doing. I can send you a list of therapists in your area if you want them. Let me know.
Well folks, this is all for now. I have so many letters to answer and I promise I will get to each one as I can. I will be back with you all next week.
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Shar