So good to be back here with you all! Thanks for all
your letters. I love your community oriented spirit
of connecting one with the other. So many letters
telling me how another member of your community has
been affected because YOU wrote in with your problem.
It certainly is the community reaching out to help one
another community when people take the risk of sharing
themselves with others and being vulnerable. And this
leads us right into what I want to share with you this
week. Several letters arrived asking me to talk about
what people can expect when they go to therapy and how
do they know what is appropriate behaviour from the
therapist, etc. etc. I have a letter I also received
so will start with this letter which will lead me
right into sharing some tips with you regarding what
to expect from the therapist when you go for
counselling.
QUESTION
Dear Shar:
I am sure you are going to tell me exactly what my
children and that stupid therapist I went to, told me
already. Oh well, here goes! I have to vent
somewhere and you can't mouth back at me in person so
here it is. I am sick and tired of being treated like
I am a nasty, mean, provoking person. Who do these
people think they are to tell me things like this.
Well, I can tell you a thing or two about THEM! And I
will do so, at another time. Now it is about ME!
That reminds me, my children make the comment that
everything is about ME. They say I butt in when they
are sharing something with me, about themselves, and I
start talking about ME. I have a right to talk! I
WILL talk and no one will stop me!!!! NOT EVER
AGAIN!!! They sure don't care about my feelings when
they say this to me. They say I am insensitive to
their feelings. They say I laugh AT THEM. For
heavens sake - I am JUST having fun. Get with the
program I say!!!!
I use to be so silent and passive for all my life. My
husband of 43 years just died and when he died I began
to live. I will not let anyone rob me ever again of
being able to speak. "SILENT NO MORE" is my motto and
NO ONE is going to take that from me ever again. I
have a right to be heard! I will be heard! And I
don't care who likes it or not!!!!! I saw this
therapist 6 times. It was a hoot! I had fun. I love
to talk. My kids say I love to talk about myself and
they wonder if I know there is anyone else in the
world but me. Of course I do. My heart aches for
them and what they sometimes go through and the knocks
life delivers up to them. I pray for them a lot. i
go to church. I am a christian. Of course I am a
nice person. They are mean, mean, mean. And so is
that therapist. She ended up telling me what all my
children tell me. Who does she think she is? Does
she think I pay her to put me down. Poppy rot I say!
I am 78 years old and I will not be silent. My
children say I provoke them and since I am such a
great christian do I know what it says in the Bible
about parents NOT provoking your children. They say I
laugh AT them. have you ever heard of anything so
outrageous. They make comments about me spending 2
hours a morning in front of the mirror just to get my
make-up on and all. so what!!!????? I live with one
of my daughters and she mentions to me how I parade
around in underpants and am always looking at myself
in the hall mirrors. Why shouldn't I admire myself.
Maybe they should take some time to take care of
themselves. My daughter asks me why I don't get
groceries? I tell her that I go to Senior Meals twice
a week so I get good meals and if I feel like a good
meal at home I will get something in but most of the
time I don't like big meals. She dared to say to me
the other day,"Mom, do you think you are the only one
in this home?" How dare she! My grandchildren come
and my son acts so frustrated because I don't have
anything in the house - like juice or bread to make a
sandwich. They say I am controlling and selfish. Oh
my, should I just lay down and die right now? So oh
great one what do YOU say? And I am mad at that
therapist as shouldn't she exercise some boundaries in
the way she deals with her clients? Oh yes, and there
is my sister. I can't stand that woman. She spends
hours looking at herself in the mirror, dressing
perfectly, acting and looking anorexic. So self
centered eh? She goes on and on talking about
herself. She is very attractive. My children tell me
I am anorexic or that they are concerned that if I get
sick i will have no flesh to fall back on, etc. etc.
I dance around and pivot they say, like a ballerina -
just drinking in all the attention even if I have to
almost not eat - to get the attention. This is pure
nonsense. And even if it is true I can do what I
want.
Mildred
Toronto, Ontario.
ANSWER
Hello Mildred:
I have picked your letter out, to answer this week, as
it goes along with the topic for this week's column.
First of all I will respond to your letter. I feel
like you have presented a banquet table of an
incredible feast for me to indulge in. You sound to
me like you would be vivacious, fun, entertaining,
intelligent, creative and disciplined. I guess I dug
into the dessert first here. Now let us go dig into
the main course Mildred. Are you ready gal? Just re-
member, you and I are wading through the array of
issues presented here, together. You invited me to do
so with you when you wrote me. I am accepting your
invitation.
I cannot talk for your children or for the therapist
you saw so I am not able to tell you why they say what
they do to you or how they said it. What I can do is
talk with you about what you have presented to me. As
I read through your letter Mildren I sense that you
are angry because you spent many years of your life
not speaking up, not saying how YOU felt or what YOU
wanted or how YOU viewed issues that were going in in
YOUR life and that YOU were part of. Because I do not
have an emotional investment in the realtionship
between you and I, I am able to approach this as a
therapist and not out of personal emotions in regards
to how your behaviour affects me.
First off I would suggest to you that if your children
plus the therapist are saying the same things to you
it might be advantageous to you to start sifting
through what you are hearing and see if any of it
truly apples to you and the way you behave.
What we do and say and the way we do it and say it
does affect other people and I am hearing you say that
others are telling you how you affect them. A
therapist would gently walk with you through each
statement you have made and help you explore whether
there is some validity to it. This does not mean the
therapist agrees with these statements. How can she
as she does not know you personally. I wonder if you
view exploring these issues as attacks upon you?
There is so much here that I would explore with you
Mildred in the area of your childhood and the family
dynamics of the family you were brought up in. And
what place was yours in the line of birth of your
siblings or were you an only child? It isn't about
right or wrong it is about are we maxing our full
potential in the way we treat others and ourselves? I
don't imagine you like all this happening around you
or you wouldn't of gone to a therapist and you
wouldn't be writing in to me. I would ask you, do
you feel there is any validity to what the people who
are close to you, are saying to you about your
behaviour? Are you willing to explore this and see if
you can find any validity? I would suggest you deal
with your anger. It oozes out in so much of what you
present here. Are you willing to do this? I expect
you have felt like you are being controlled for a very
long time. You say you were passive and never spoke
up until your husband died. Can you remember back
to the first time you felt that you could not speak up?
When did this start in your life? I would expect it
started long before you were married. I think you have
to decide how important this is to you Mildred. If
you are not ready to look at these issues regarding
how people, are letting you know, you affect them then
I suggest you just leave it be and if at another time
you want to deal with all this then that would be more
appropriate. You won't change for anyone else and I
am not so sure you feel you need to change for you at
this time. From what you have shared with me (from
your own mouth) I am wondering if I am seeing someone
who is self-centered, insensitive to other, likes to
be the center of attention, attitude issue? Only you
can be the author of your own story. I am wondering if
I am also hearing pain from someone who repressed
themselves for many years and in standing up and
saying "I COUNT" I am reminded that we often don't
know how to go about doing this so we don't step on
other people's self-esteem and self-worth because it
is new behaviour to us and in the sink or swim stage
(which may be where you are operating from at this
time) we just jump in and swim in any direction we
can. We haven't learned yet what way works and what
doesn't. I believe you are now coming into this stage
and I applaud you for reaching out to make yourself so
vulnerable as to share yourself with us. When I hear
you say that no one will ever rob you again of your
right to be heard I wonder if you feel cheated? I
hear so much pain behind all your strengths. The joy
of all this is that you can learn more about yourself
and why you have the behaviours you do and what works
and what doesn't in regards to relating to others,
etc., etc. I invite you to find another therapist and
go and explore you and learn to celebrate you in new
ways. Not to be silent again but as you heal you will
roar like a lion in ways where others can celebrate
with you instead of feeling like you are alienating
them from your life. I see wonderful potential in you
Mildred. Go for it!!!! I also feel I am hearing from
someone who has not felt appreciated by significant
others in her life. Could this be how you have felt?
And once again Mildred this goes way back to our
childhood and the dynamics of the family we were
brought up in. This is not to put down your family but to
realize that your mother and father brought what they
knew into the family setting and today you may know
and learn some other positive ways to make your life
joyful and fulfilling. These are ways that you nor they
may of heard about before. Life is a constant journey
of exploring and learning so we can be responsible to
bring more joy, fullfillment, love and contentment
into our daily lives. And it is so true that we must
learn to give to ourselves what we feel we are lacking
but it is in the learning how to do it with dignity
and respect for ourselves and others that is the key
to success in finding a life that enhances who we are
instead of diminishes who we are to ourelves and
others. I am excited about you Mildred and I trust you
will take this and fly with it. I sense you have much
to do and accomplish and you don't plan to sit on your
creativeness, your input to life and your ability to
be part of life in your community, anymore. Perhaps
it is not so much WHAT you say or do but HOW you say
or do it. And we can learn to do this in a manner
where we can apply the golden rule of, "Do unto others
as you would have them to unto you." I mention this
to you Mildred because you say you are a christian and
this is christian principle. YES, YES, YES, you do
indeed have rights Mildred and I encourage you to
gently infiltrate those rights into your daily life
but we can learn to do this in a way that others find
us approachable, accepting, and even inviting. Go
explore and learn! YES! I believe you could be such
a positive asset within your community, to others, as
you explore your own remarkable self.
In closing off here Mildred I say once again that you
will not change for anyone else but yourself. That
might be what you would be willing to explore at this
time. Do you feel that you want to change anything
and if so why? A counsellor could help you explore
issues around this before you take any other steps.
And I say to your children that they cannot change you
by pointing out what they view as your character
flaws, etc., etc. They need to change themselves in
all this and that is another column all in itself. I
am going to share here, a few things, that you can
expect when you go to see a counsellor.
A counsellor should exhibit the following:
Genuineness
I am referring to sincerity. This is something that is conveyed by
means of eye contact and facial expression. This is someone who conveys to
you that they are genuinely interested in what you have to say.
Empathy
Someone you feel is genuinely connected to your emotions.
Warmth
Warmth is caring that is conveyed in a soft and gentle voice tone and facial expression.
Unconditional Positive Regard
The therapist relays to you that she feels your problems and feelings are of
the greatest importance. That no matter what the therapist is hearing
she will be totally accepting of you as a
valuable human being knowing that we all
make the choices we do because often we
do not know there are other choices we
can make and until we know we cannot be
expected to do anything other than what
we are doing at this particular time in
our life.
Maintaining Boundaries
This is of the utmost importance so
the client does not get confusing messages
from the counsellor. Everything that
is said in the room must remain confidential other that the few things
that by law cannot be kept confidential. The counsellor must let you know
what these are before the counselling session starts.
Hopefully this will help you when you want to decide
if working with a particular therapist will fit your
needs and benefit you.
O.K. folks, this is it for this week. Keep your
letters coming. Thanks for your support.
God Bless You All, Shar
=====
WORDS HAVE A LIFE;
WITHOUT RESPONSE THEY DIE.
- Russell Hoban
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Shar