Hi Folks:
Sorry I am a little behind here but I had an operation on my hand and have not been able to type. I am back and look very forward to answering the letters I have received.
Here goes.
Dear Shar:
I can't stand the whiney voice of one of my mother's friend. She has a high pitched voice and it has me putting my hands to my ears. What do I do about this. I don't want to be around her much. Why do I hate this kind of voice so much? I hate it when people sound like this. There are very few people I ever come in contact with, that have voices like this, and when I do I usually don't have to be around them. But, this is my mother's friend and what can I do? Have you any suggestions?
Mary
Phoenix, Arizona, U.S.A.
Hi Mary:
It sounds like, in the past, you have been able to just by-pass (so to speak) connecting to any degree with people who have voices that you can't stand. It sounds like you are saying that this way of dealing with your dislike may not be working so well for you anymore due to the fact that this woman you speak of, is, your mother's friend.
A few things come to mind. Quite often we do not like certain things about other people. You don't have to like this ladies voice to be respectful when you see her. You can be polite and then excuse yourself. You always have a choice as to how long you will spend in the presence of anyone, no matter whose friend they are. You can also give yourself permission to accept your dislikes. But I do think it is very important to try to treat other people the way we would like to be treated in such a situation. Think about if you were this lady in question, how would you want someone that was so offended by your voice, (something you cannot really change) to treat you. If you go with that, you will not go far wrong in respecting others and yourself, in any given situation.
I cannot answer your question as to why you hate this type of voice so much. Since you have come across this before you might be curious enough to go talk with someone so you understand why you have such an aversion to this type of voice. We can't avoid what we dislike, forever. If we do not confront it within ourselves we will keep coming up against the same issue until we get some answers and therefore, every time we find ourselves facing the same issue, it is another opportunity to take this issue on once and for all. I hear you say you hate this type of voice. Hate is a strong feeling. Can you remember feeling this way at any other time in your life? Does this voice remind you of someone else? This might be very beneficial for you to find out what this is all about for you. This does not necessarily mean you have to change how you feel about this type of voice but you may indeed find some acceptance for yourself if you find answers to the questions you have asked here. I would like to hear from you again Mary as you think of some of the questions I have asked you.
Dear Therapist:
I have a girlfriend I live with. She works part-time. I work a full time job and a part time job. I am feeling resentful because she does not even do the housework let alone help me on my part-time job which is now another full time job. She says she will come and help me and then she doesn't yet she wants me to go partying with her. I am too tired and I would like to share time with her and I and not always go partying. She never can pay her half of the rent so I tell her it is O.K. and then I resent that she doesn't even help me out in ways that she could do so. I gave her a roof over her head when she couldn't afford to keep her apartment. I have done everything for her and continue to try to do so and she doesn't seem to appreciate me at all. Why do I tell her she doesn't have to pay her half of things (which we origianlly agreed to that she would do) when I don't even mean it.? I feel used. What do you think I should do?
Brad
St. Johns, Newfoundland
Hi Brad:
I really want to tell you that I am so sorry that you have found yourself in the position you are in. I am wondering why you say one thing and feel another? Do you want to sound like the 'good guy to yourself' yet want your girlfriend to know that you mean the opposite of what you say? This isn't likely to happen. If your girlfriend is trying to please you in her half of the relationship and trying to do this by listening to what you tell her, she obviously is not going to succeed.
It sound like you want her to hear what a wonderful guy you are, that you can support her in the style you feel she would like, but, in reality you cannot do so. I wonder what it feels like for you to say, to me, that you feel resentment now? Can you tell her this? I truly believe it would benefit you to go to counselling and sort all this out. When you give your mate double message it is usually the beginning of the end. She cannot possibly please you as you aren't being your real self with her. It sounds like you are being how you would like it to be. Can you tell her about this?
I would have to know so much more about you to really get into talking with you but I hear you are needing to address this issue and I encourage you to do so. Are you scared of losing her? How does it feel to allow yourself to be used? You mentioned that you feel used.
I think it would be beneficial for you to look at how your relationship started, where it was at when your girlfriend moved in, and why you are allowing yourself to sit in a situation where you feel used? Dealing with your own feelings in this situation would be a good start. Exploring the area of compatability might be something you would want to do also.
Dear Counsellor:
I was out with my friend today and I said something and she proceeded to tell me that this was not the way it really was. She is very intelligent and can report historical events like an encyclopedia. I was left feeling like I was wrong (again) and I wondered why I didn't tell her what I was saying instead of letting her run rough-shod over me. Why do I do this?
Caroline
North Vancouver, B.C.
Hi Caroline:
Why do YOU think you let your friend correct you, inform you, teach you, instead of having a give and take conversation with her? Do you feel that what you have to say is not important? I cannot answer your question, for you, as to why you do this. Sometimes, if we do not feel secure in speaking up, we allow other people to take over our conversations and go with it.
I encourage you to gently repeat what you said to your friend. This does not mean that her facts are wrong but I sense you might be wanting to be heard too and to be acknowledged for the fact that you have something to offer to the conversation also. Your opinion counts, even if it differs from another's opinion on an issue. If you wait to be given the respect and opportunity to speak up, you may not get it. Take it! If you just keep repeating what you are saying, with the goal in mind, of getting heard, this often will stop the other person from intellectualizing and informing. Try to talk from feelings and say it again and again until you feel you are getting heard. You have a right to be heard. If you cannot do this perhaps you might want to talk with someone, a counsellor, minister, friend, etc., and explore what your fears and insecurities might be, around this issue.
You seem to have a kind heart towards others. Would you give some of this to yourself so you can take care of yourself when you feel someone is not giving you validation ? Are you always wrong? Is your friend always right? Why do you automatically just accept that when your friend intellectualizes that she knows what she is talking about and you don't? These might be issues you could explore.
Accept that you have just as much right to an opinion as anyone else and no intellectualizing can take this away from you.
Dear Therapist:
Why am I so tired all the time? I am 78 years old and active. I get so tired that I can hardly keep going through the day. My daughter suggests that I go see my doctor but I eventually come out of it. What do you think I should do? Do I have anything to worry about here?
Maggie
South Carolina, U.S.A.
Dear Maggie:
Glad you wrote.
I can't tell you why you are so tired but what I am hearing is that you are concerned about being so tired. I think your daughter's suggestion is definitely a wise one. Why do you not want to go to your doctor? What have you done in the past when this happens? Are you saying that you usually just come out of it but this time that is not happening? If this is so it must be a concern for you.
I am wondering why it is O.K. for you to be so tired day after day and not go to your doctor and address this issue? Why is this Maggie? What do you fear you will hear? Perhaps your daughter would accompany you and this might make it easier for you to go talk to your doctor. It sounds to me like you would be taking responsibility for your health, to go and find out if there is anything you can do, to help yourself at this time.
Do give this some thought Maggie and let me know what you decide
Dear Shar:
I know you are an intelligent woman so i know you will take my side. Here goes. I have a dog and the neighbour says he barks all day and the noise drives him crazy. Too bad I say. The dog is on my property and he can bark if he wants. What should I say to my neighbour?
Bill
Rocky Rapids, Alberta
Dear Bill:
It looks like you have already said it.
This is all for now folks. Keep the letters coming.
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Shar