Hi Folks:
Here we are again with many letters. I have picked out a few letters that have to do with relationship problems. Hopefully we will all learn from each other.
Hi Shar:
I am in my early 40's. I just met a real nice guy. He is REAL nice. I am moving in with him. I am almost all moved in. We have been going together for 3 weeks. My family like the man but they caution me on moving in with him too fast. I have a teenage son and he lives with me now and he will be moving in with us also. I really like this man a lot and we have set a date to get married, a year from now. I vowed I would NEVER move in with another man - as a room mate or girlfriend. I told this guy I wouldn't move in with him unless we got married. Anyways, do you think my family has genuine concerns? I can't see a problem. I have never been so happy. Please let me hear from you. I am moving my furniture in tomorrow.
Dawn
Toledo, Ohio
Hi Dawn:
Glad you wrote in. Yes, I do believe your family have genuine concerns re: you moving in with this man, so soon after meeting him. I am curious, as to why you feel you have to make such a major move, after 3 weeks of dating this man? You certainly haven't had enough time to know this man in various areas of his character, behaviours, etc. What do you do if you are all moved in and you find there is something abusive in this relationship? Why would you not wait to give yourself time to evaluate this relationship as it is time that tells the tale. Are you concerned he will not stick around if you don't move in with him? Since you have already made the move I would caution you against closing your eyes and mind to reality as you start to experience it in a new relationship? Nothing is set in stone. If this is a mistake for you, you can leave just as fast as you moved in. Always remember that you are not ever physically stuck. It is usually our emotions that keep us stuck in a relationship that may not turn out to be healthy for us.
Plus, you have a son. How responsible are you being in taking care of his welfare when you expect him to just jump in, with you, to this mans house and life. I seriously caution you Dawn to be very aware. On the other hand this could work out quite well. You are just taking a big risk, the way you are doing it, and the timing you are doing it in.
I have heard you talk about how YOU feel about this man and that YOU really think he is nice and that YOU want to marry him. I thought you told me that your son was going with you. What about him? Have you included him in this new relationship or are you just dragging him along behind you? I seriously caution you in this decision you are making. Too fast, too soon, too much unchartered territory yet to make such a fast and major decision for you and your son's life. And Dawn, you are responsible to take your son into consideration and how your decisions might affect his life.
I hear you telling me that YOU told this man under what conditions YOU would move in with him. Then you tell me that YOU told him that YOU would not move in with him unless he would marry you. Does all this not raise a red flag to you? YOU are calling all the shots. Do you know how he feels about all you talked about here? If you don't talk to your son, and also this man, and hear how they feel and also get their input, etc., this can only turn sour. There are 3 people to take into consideration in this new relationship - not just yourself Dawn.
I sense you mean well Dawn. Yet I caution you to blinding yourself to reality as it rises up. Have you had any concerns about what you are doing? Have you addressed these concerns or are you just ignoring them because you want this relationship so badly?
I wish you all well and perhaps this relationship will be able to blossom amongst not only the roses but the thorns of 3 people uniting to become a family. Dawn, you would do well to remember that men come and go but your son is forever. Don't discount HIM in all of this.
Hello Ms. Therapist:
I use to be in ministry in our church. I no longer am in ministry and I no longer go to church. It is quite a shock to my family and friends and I guess myself. I am now drinking, living common-law, etc., etc. The problem is that the friends I had, and I, no longer seem to have much in common. My girlfriend drinks quite a bit and I am drinking too. Some of my friends don't want us to bring liquor into their home. I can't even tell a dirty joke in their company. They just seem to talk about the things they use to and I have no interest in that. I party now, with my girlfriend and her friends. My christian friends don't do this. They no longer have anything in common with me. If they won't accept me I don't think I am even going to try to keep up the friendships.
Some of my friends I have had since I was a teenager. I am now in my 40's. I can't believe my friends are now so different and we have so little in common. Should I just drop the dead beats and move on in my life?
Shawn
Armstrong, B.C.
Hello Shawn:
Perhaps when you read, for yourself, what you have written to me you will be able to see that it isn't your friends that changed. You have changed the very foundation you once built your whole life on. From what you have shared here with me you say you have taken on a totally new life-style. Your friends are the same as when you met them, YOU CHANGED.
From you letter here I see that your lifestyle, your values, your morals, your belief system, etc.,. has done a total turn-a-round. I am wondering why you feel that your friends don't accept you. The fact that still welcome you in their homes and life tells me that they do indeed accept you and care for you. What I hear you telling me is that they have not changed their lifestyles, values, morals, and beliefs and are standing firm in the foundation that they have stood in during their friendship with you. You have changed, they have not.
If you find that you no longer have anything in common with the friends you had when you were a christian then, yes, I guess you do have to re-evaluate these friendships and ask yourself if they still work for you today. But do keep in mind that it is YOU who rocked the boat of your friendships, not them. Perhaps you need to place the responsibility for the shift change in your friendships, where it belongs, upon yourself. Are you willing to look at this?
Shawn, you have every right to live your life as you choose to and so do others. You chose to leave one way of living and decided to take another whole set of values, morals, etc. And this is O.K. Is it not as O.K. that your friends chose to stand their ground and live as they have always lived and not be swayed by the decisions you have now made in your life? If indeed there is no common ground left between you and these friends then that needs to be addressed in your life but not by putting blame on anyone, not on yourself, and not on your friends.
Relationships change as we change and often we find our interests have changed with the folk we have had in our lives. Sometimes we can still continue the friendships and sometimes we decide to move away from them. Whatever you decide to do it is very wise and respectful to yourself and to your other friends to not place blame.
I caution you Shawn to operate out of integrity and realize that YOU have made decisions in YOUR life that have shift changed some of the relationships in your life that you have had for many years. These friends are still all doing the same things they did when you first met them. Be careful how you part. Totally burning your bridges behind you is not always a wise choice as you never know when you are going to have to walk over that bridge again. Move away from the friends that you chose to move away from but do it gently, kindly, blameless, and in the love and trust you have built with them over the years.
Hello Dear Counsellor:
I have been e-mailing this man called Mike. I have really enjoyed us being in each other's day. We have written for a couple of months now. He travels. He wants to come to the city where I live and meet me. There is something, in all of this, that doesn't feel right and I'm not sure what it is or why I feel this way. He sent his pictures and he is someone I am attracted to physically. I guess the problem is that it doesn't feel like he is there emotionally for me. Sometimes he doesn't even answer some of my questions. I will re-ask something and he still ignores it. I wonder how open this man is, really. It feels like all the other men I have connected with. They just aren't there emotionally yet love that I am open and sharing of my feelings and all. He seems to be stuck on the sex thing. I think he might just be looking for a one night or a week-end stand. This is upsetting to me because I am trying to build a friendship first. Am I wrong to let how I feel stop me from meeting him?
Rena
Alaska
Hi Rena:
I think you are very wise and respectful to yourself to address your feelings. Sounds to me like you want to take responsibility for your decisions and when something doesn't feel quite right for you, you are willing to address it, before going ahead and jumping into it. It sounds like, from what you state here, that he may be wanting a sexual experience with you and that you want something more than this. Him not being there for you emotionally actually backs up the theory that he may be just interested in sex. It sounds like he is being consistent in the e-mailing relationship he has with you. Yet, I wonder, does he view this connection as a relationship or is this what you are saying you would like it to be? Are you trying to turn all this into a relationship and since Mike does not seem to want to go in the same direction as you, you are now questioning where this connection is really going? Very wise of you Rena.
You mentioned that this man is like all the others, not there for you emotionally. I am curious as to why you are spending time and emotions with men who are not interested in giving this back to you? This might be the key you are looking for as to why you are trying to build a more solid relationship with men who let you know that they don't want this with you. I think it would be wise if you went and talked with someone and tried to sort this out Rena. You deserve to get what you want in life and only you can do this for yourself. Usually when we are able to see clearly, just what we are doing to sabbatoge getting what we want, we can then change our behaviour.
Remember, we cannot change anyone but ourselves. You cannot make someone love you, want you, or feel what you want them to feel for you. I think it is time for you to STOP missing out on what you want in a relationship. I think it would be very helpful for you to explore why you set yourself up with the type of men you do, only to be let down, and therefore once again reinforce your thinking that you cannot be loved. This is about you and your life Rena, not the other men.
I wish you well and hope you will treat yourself with the respect you deserve and go and find some answers for yourself.
Well, this is all for this time folks.
Take care and treat yourself kindly and respectfully.
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Shar