Once again thanks for your letters that make this column possible.
Here we go!
Dear Shar:
I just married a woman whom I have gone with for about 1 year. She has a 12 year old daughter and a 15 year old son who live with their Father. Every year my wife and her ex-husband go up to the family cabin. Actually they go twice a year. They celebrate their children's birthdays at this time. So, the children and my wife and her ex-husband spend a long weekend, twice a year, together, at their cabin.
I am more than uncomfortable with this and do not want my wife going off this year to spend a long weekend with her ex-husband and one of their children. Why can't they celebrate the children's birthdays here in town? If they want to take the children up to the cabin why can't they do so, seperately? The are not a family anymore as they once were. It is different now.
My wife tells me I am paranoid, insecure, and selfish. This hurts me. I love her dearly but she is going to do this no matter what I say. I can go with her or I can stay at home. I wonder if this is how she treated her first husband and the marriage? Do you think I am being foolish and that I am insecure to feel the way I do? Should I not of asked her to not go this year?
Brady
Medicine Hat, Alta.
Dear Brady:
This first question that arose for me, upon completing the reading of your letter was, I wonder if your wife told you about these yearly escapades with her ex-husband before she married you? You didn't mention if you knew of this before your marriage. Perhaps if you have only been going with her for a year she was able to do still go to the cabin and not have you become aware of it? Or, did she tell you and you thought she would change after you married her? Since I am not able to have an answer from you I guess all I can say about this part of it is: If she didn't tell you then I would be very concerned about her motives. If she did tell you and you thought she would change then I would be concerned about your motives.
Given what you have shared here with me I too would question why the children's birthdays can not be celebrated in the city you live in. Taking the children up to the cabin can be done at other times and by each person seperately. I definitely would question why it is so important to your wife that she continues to keep up this family ritual. I cannot imagine that you would feel comfortable going with your wife and watching her carry on like she still has the same involvement with her first family as she use to have.
Brady, if you do not want to go, then be true to yourself and respectful to how you feel. I think it is important that you do not diminish your feelings or look at them as right or wrong. If you and your wife do not agree on such a major issue then it might be worthwhile for you folk to go to see a counsellor and deal with this issue. Doing this will allow each of you to explore what is really going on with each of you. Your wife can explore what is going on with her in that she seems willing to jeopardize her relationship with you and for you to be aware of how you feel about all that.
I can't tell you how to deal with it but I can make the suggestions I have made to you. I caution you at discrediting your feelings because of the labels your wife attaches to those feelings. This does not make your feelings invalid. It may suggest more about your wife. I wonder why she will not support you in this? I wonder why she trys to make you feel worse than you already do by calling you insecure, selfish, paranoid. I wonder what is going on with her, just as you probably do.
If your wife will not go to see someone I suggest you go on your own. It is important that you find validation so you can make wise and respectful decisions in this issue towards yourself and your wife. I think you both need to get heard and you both need to hear each other. This is done effectively in a counselling situation where the counsellor will be a mediator between you and your wife. You might want to suggest that your wife have a counsellor of her choosing or anyone whom she feels trust in, to be a mediator on her behalf, when you come together. A mediator will make sure you both respect the other one and will listen to each other and encourage you to both say what you really feel.
I think it is more important Brady that you make the decision as to whether you are insecure and not look to someone else to tell you that you are or that you are not insecure. A counsellor will help you explore all this. I wish you both well and please do let me know how you both progress in this issue.
Dear Therapist:
I have a friend who just stops connecting with me if I speak up on anything that is jeopardizing our friendship. I have known her for about 10 years. Everything is O.K. if I just accept everything she says and do not question it or ever say how I feel. It feels like my friendship with her is all one-sided. It feels like I don't have much of a friendship. Is something wrong with me? She just will not deal with anything which just makes everything worse as I am feeling like I don't count to her. She will just decide one day,to connect with me again and never even mentions WHAT she stopped seeing me over, nor does she even act like we have not been seeing each other. She pretends nothing has ever been any different between us.
I don't know what to do. What do you suggest?
Marnie
Flin Flon, Manitoba
Hi Marnie:
I read your letter and I can understand why you feel the way you do. It is very important that we talk these things over with someone else so we can get a more centered picture of our behaviors and responses to such situations.
Perhaps if I list here, what I feel I am hearing you say, you will be able to answer your own questions:
(1) Is there something wrong with me?
(2) What do you suggest?
I hear you say that you do not feel safe in this friendship as you cannot speak up when something doesn't sit well with you.
I hear you say that if you do voice your feelings or an opinion, that your friend does not want to hear, she just stops connecting with you for awhile.
I hear you say that when your friend decides to connect with you again she totally ignores the issue that was presented to her, to be dealt with, when she stopped connecting.
I hear you say that she will be friends with you if you agree with everything she says and does.
I hear that you have been part of this kind of friendship for 10 years.
You say your friendship with this woman feels like it is one-sided.
I hear you say that this woman will not deal with any issues that come up between you two.
I hear you tell me that you do not feel you count in this friendship.
I hear you say that you feel this friendship is all one-sided.
I hear you say that this woman decides when your friendship will have life and when it will not.
I am hearing you tell me that you give this woman total control of this friendship and let her decide when you two will connect and when you won't.
I hear you tell me that this woman pretends nothing has ever gone on between you tqo, that causes dissention, in your friend-ship with her.
I hear you telling me that you leave all the decision making up to
your friend.
I heard you say that you are angry because she asks you for money, not because she doesn't pay you back.
Is something wrong with you? I would ask you what your definition of a friendship is? Do the above statements meet your criteria for friendship? If not, why are you in this friendship and why have you stayed for 10 years? Finding the answers to these questions will be the key that helps you unlock the doors to more self-respect and enable you to be able to make the decisions you have to make for yourself.
I think you need to ask yourself why you stay in this friend-ship? This would mean that you will take your focus off of your friend and stop asking yourself why she does this or does that and start asking yourself what you are doing in this friendship? You cannot change your friend but you can change YOU. It is very healthy and positive for friends to give each other validation. Why is it O.K. with you that you chose to be in a friendship where you do not receive this, where you are put down for just being who you are, where you do not receive respect? I wonder why it is O.K. with you that this woman controls this friendship. She lets you know when she does not want anything to do with you and she also lets you know when she wants something to do with you. No wonder you feel this is a one-sided friendship Marnie. These are the questions I would encourage you to ask yourself.
When you are ready to explore why you allow this type of a friendship in your life you may want to seek out a counsellor who will be objective and not take sides. I encourage you to do this Marnie. You can't answer the questions you have as to why your friend acts the way she does because she is not willing to discuss this with you. However, you can find out why you allow yourself to be treated in a way that leaves you feeling empty, demeaned, and worthless. I wish you well Marnie on your explorative journey.
Hello Shar:
I lent my friend $5.00 as she did not have enough money on her when we went shopping. Two months later she wanted to borrow $10.00. I lent it to her. I am feeling angry that she keeps asking me for money. She doesn't pay me back yet thinks I will just keep lending her money. Isn't she rude to not pay me back? Why does she keep asking me for money?
Tanya
Trenton, Ontario
Hello Tanya:
To answer your questions:
(1) Isn't she rude to keep asking me for money?
(2) Why does she keep asking me for money?
I can understand why you may feel this way but it looks to
me like she keeps asking you to borrow money because you
keep lending it to her.
Why do you keep lending your friend money if she does not
pay you back? Do you ask her for the money back or do you
say nothing and when she does not offer to pay you back you
feel angry about this? Tanya you might want to ask yourself
what YOU can do so you will not leave yourself feeling
angry? You have some options here. You can decide to set a
boundary for yourself which might be that you will not lend
her anymore money. You can tell her how you feel and why
you have decided to do this. If you feel you cannot tell her
why you have decided to not lend her money anymore you still
can decide not to lend her the money. You might want to
start by sharing with your friend that you find this very hard
to do but she is important to you and you want this friend-
ship, and do not want to let your feelings about you not
getting your money back that you lend her, get in the way.
This way you are taking ownership that it is you who
has the issue here. And indeed this is true. It is you that
is feeing angry about something she does/doesn't do and that
she is important to you and you don't want all this to get in
the way of you enjoying her friendship. I also hear you say
that you are angry becuase she asks you for money. There
are several isuues here that need to be addressed by you as
this will help you find the answers, within yourself, to the
questions you are asking.
Friendships often get stalemate where we decide to not deal
with the issue at hand by speaking up and sharing our
feelings. If the friendship is important to you it may be
worth the risk to speak up. If you don't address your anger
will you just leave eventually and say nothing?
Just remember Tanya that you are responsible to take care
of yourself and treat yourself with the same respect that
you would like others treat you with. I know that I find my-
self feeling admiration and respect for someone who takes
the initiative to speak up. I usually see this person as one who
likes themselves, takes responsibility for their part in any
issue, and someone who is not needy as they act out of in-
tegrity. This also tells me that this person is saying that the
friendship/relationship/job/or whatever is important to
them and they are willing to take the risk of speaking up so
the relationship can continue and not get stagnant. Give all
this some thought and see where you want to be and what
kind of a person you want to be in your dealings with others.
Well folks, this is it for now, keep the letters coming.
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Shar