Hi Folks:
Sorry I am a day late. I have been quite sick with
bronchitis but I don't want to leave you hanging this
week so I am going to keep my commitment and get this
column out to you all.
Question
Hi Therapist:
Are you licensed? I just wondered! You sure are
good. I have never heard before now the neat things
you say and I like that I am starting to look at
myself differently and trying to do some things
differently. Can I access your services?
John
New Foundland
ANSWER
Hi John:
Yes I am licensed. I do not think it would be
appropriate for me to illicit, in any way, business
through this web site. My agreement with the
publisher was to write a weekly column that is open
for anyone who wishes to write in and share with us
all. I certainly would welcome your letter John and
will answer here as I do others.
Look forward to hearing from you. Shar
QUESTION
My boyfriend accused me of something, in a round about
way, and I was mad. I told him where to go and that I
am sick and tired of the way he communicates. I have
talked to him about this until I am blue in the face.
It changes nothing. I ask him what he is referring to
or what he means or what he is really asking me and he
says: "I don't know." Well, I am tired of putting up
with his lack of communication. Screw him! I am
hurt! I am also upset at how he can push my buttons.
Sometimes I don't get that mad and can deal with it
but he never changes. He will not be direct. I am
sick and tired of it. How does he expect to hold a
relationship together when he won't put himself into
learning to communicate openly and clearly? I am sick
of him too. I hate it when I react the way I did. He
can control me by what he says to me. What am I to do
other than walk away from him?
Marge
Drayton Valley, Alta.
ANSWER
Well, first off Marge, the good old stand-by! Take
your focus off of your boyfriend. If he isn't
changing today then this is how he is today and that
fact is solid. So, now to focus on you, as it is you
who is writing in to me and not your boyfriend.
I hear you say that you have talked to him until you
are blue in the face. Sounds like you feel as if your
very breath is being squeezed out of you. Feeling
this way is a very stressful way to live and I wouldn't
be surprised if you are having physical reactions, (to
this mental stress) manifesting, in your body?
It sounds like you have discussed with him many times,
what your concerns are, along with openly
demonstrating to him positive communication styles
when you ask him to clarify to you what he is meaning
when he says things to you. His response is, "I don't
know." He ends the communication with you when he
says this. He cuts you off. He has taken control of
the situation. Now it is important for you to take
control of you in the situation. I wonder if this is
the way you want to continue on in a relationship?
Are you waiting for him to change, sometime down the
road, or if you badger him enough you think he will
change? The way you react or respond is about you
Marge. We RESPOND to something someone says or does -
out of our sense of self-worth and we REACT to what
someone says or does from our lack of self-worth.
When we respond with more calmness and serenity we are
giving the message that whatever the other person is
saying is not necessarily true nor do we necessarily
agree with it. When we react with feeling like we are
somewhat out of control then it could be because we
lack a foundational grounding in our own self-worth
and when anyone says something to us that we feel
attacks our integrity, values, etc., etc. we react
with anger that is quite hostile. It is important
that you reassess your value systems, your belief
systems, to see how solid the foundation of "knowing
who you are," is. When we are blown about by every
emotional wind that another spews out of their mouths
to us, about us, then our foundation of our own
self-worth may be shakey.
I hear you saying you do not want to be part of this
major issue in your life, anymore. What would you do
if you acted on this verbal declaration of
self-respect I hear you making? Are you willing to
carry through whatever action you would have to take
to bring peace, harmony and a deeper sense of
self-worth into your daily life? You hold the key to
enhancing your life. Your boyfriend is but a door you
have opened and it doesn't sound like you are enjoying
walking through this door when you open it to share
yourself.
People usually do not change unless something happens
to them where the loss is too great, so, to prevent
themselves from losing they start changing. It sounds
like a good time for you to take some small steps in
taking risks at setting some boundaries around
yourself regarding this communication between you and
your boyfriend. This certainly will test the waters
as to what level of importance he puts on his
relationship with you. Ask yourself what you are
willing to subject yourself to in this area and what
you are no longer willing to subject yourself to.
Then, state a clear boundary to your boyfriend and let
him know what you will do if he over steps this
boundary. But, don't say it if you are not willing to
back it up with action on your part and carry out
whatever stipulation you set. I will give you an
example.
EXAMPLE: "Bob, the next time you accuse me of some-
thing I would appreciate it if you would
tell me what grounds you are basing your
accusations on. To date you have never
given me anything solid. If you are not
willing to or cannot tell me what you mean
then I do not want to hear your
accusations.
If it happens again I will leave the house
for awhile if I have to as I will not stay
and let you put me down like that."
This is just an example. You can say it any way you
like but the idea here is to state your request and
expectations and to tell the other party what you will
or won't do should they not be willing to give you the
respect you are requesting. However, if you say all
this and then you give in and start fighting and
retaliating then he has no reason to listen to you as
he has pushed your buttons again and you are doing the
same thing you always did - bite the bait for a fight.
I look forward to you trying some new skills here
Margo. This will give your boyfriend the message that
you respect yourself and you will not settle for
anything less than others respecting you also. Shar
QUESTION
Dear Shar:
I need some advice I think. I have a friend whom has
really led me to believe we are close. We share a lot
of ourselves with each other verbally and emotionally.
We have talked for several weeks of this concert we
are going to attend together. So, all of a sudden he
calls me, his name is Joe, and says, "Ben, I have real
concerns about going to this concert with you. I
remember when you use to be very late for things and
even not show up at all. I don't know that I want to
take the risk of this happening again. I am not
saying you do this anymore but I don't really think I
want to subject myself to all that." I was shocked
and hurt and furious. It sounds to me like he is
trying to cop out but instead of telling me directly
that he has changed his mind he is trying to make ME
the reason he has decided not to go. What do you
think? This is sick. He did this before and I thought
maybe it was just a one time happening but I see it is
not. I found out a few days ago that he has committed
to another engagement on that night. He did this just
a few days ago and we had these plans for weeks. What
should I do?
Ben
Winnipeg, Manitoba
ANSWER
Hi Ben:
Well, I would say you are right on! I couldn't of
said it better myself. What I do hear you questioning
to some degree is: "Is this about me or is it about
Joe?" You have answered this question yourself but I
certainly do understand why you are second guessing
yourself here. When people try to make you the focus
(blame) of their decision (when it is really about
them) it causes confusion and we start to question our
own validity in the issue. I encourage you to let any
of this just go and flow out of you. This is not
about you. Instead of taking the risk of being honest
and direct with you Joe is bringing in something from
your past as to the reason he has changed his mind
about going to the concert even though by his own
admission he states that you do not do this anymore.
I imagine you must feel a deep sense of betrayal. And
once again, Ben, you must decide what is best for you
in this scenario. You are very clear in stating how
much this friendship means to you and Joe is very
clear in stating how much this friendship does not
mean to him, in the behaviour he exhibits towards you.
I must tell you Ben, I am sorry this has happened to
you, not just once, but twice. Perhaps you might want
to reassess the value of this friendship in your life.
When Joe does this he makes the choice to scar the
trust you put in him. It sounds like you don't know
when he will hit you with another deceitful scenario
that he is trying to take no ownership or
responsibility in. Is this friendship uplifting to
you? Does Joe treat you with respect and honor in
your friendship with him? These are the questions you
need to ask yourself. You have options here. You can
stay and say nothing and in doing that you are
agreeing with Joe that you are someone whom he does
not have to be honest with. You can leave and say
nothing or you can stay and set boundaries or leave
and tell him why you are leaving. Give it careful
consideration and treat yourself with respect and
dignity in whatever decision you make. Joe's behavior
is passive-aggressive communicating.
I would like to share with you folk three of the
COMMUNICATION STYLES we all operate in at one time or
another.
PASSIVE COMMUNICATION STYLE
This would be a person who appears to always be
agreeable. Someone who apologizes before there is a
reason for an apology. You won't know what the person
is feeling. She will keep things nice. She will not
express her own true feelings. She may not be able to
make eye contact very well.
She does not believe she has equal worth to others.
She will behave as if she is not entitled to her own
feelings and views and that she certainly is not en-
titled to be treated with respect. She may also put
herself down and agree with anyone else who puts her
down.
She is almost a non-person.
AGGRESSIVE COMMUNICATION STYLE
This person is pushy, inconsiderate, loud, dominating.
He is demanding and often obnoxious in a demanding and
ordering way.
He might accuse and blame other people. He will point
the finger at "YOU." He acts as if he and he alone
has any worth at all. He will dominate the time. He
acts
as if he his entitled to his feelings and his views
but you are not entitled to your feelings and views.
He
acts like he and he alone should be treated with
respect but deems it totally un-necessary that you
should be entitled to respect. He will interrupt you
when you are talking and will leave no room for your
point of view. He will insist that he is right and
you are wrong.
Deep down the aggressive individual is VERY insecure
and afraid and has low self worth. He is often
labeled as egotistical. He has a very weak ego.
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE COMMUNICATION STYLE
This style is demonstrated by the indirect or passive
expression of hostility.
The cold shoulder is passive aggressive as is walking
away from a person when he's talking to you or
yawning in his face.
Example: When protesters lie down in front of what-
ever it is they are protesting, or refuse
to move. They are passive in that they
will
not tell you how they are feeling but will
use silence to get their message across -
plus an action. The silence is passive and
the action is aggressive.
Example: If your boss asks you to do something and
you
do not want to do it, you think it is
unfair,
and you want to tell him so, but you don't
say anything. Instead you go ahead and do
what he has asked you to do and are angry
in-
side so you do a very poor job and leave
half the job undone.
O.K. folks, this is it for this week. Wishing you all
well and a very Happy Holiday Season to you!
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Shar