How was everyone's Christmas and now the beginning of
the New Year? Good to hear from those of you who
wrote.
Several folk had the same type of questions and
concerns so I will take the letters on as they came in
and many of you will have your questions answered
also.
QUESTION
Hi Shar:
I was at my friend's place for New Year's Eve. Such a
neat couple, in their late 60's and 70's, Betty and
Phil. I had coffee with Betty last week and she told
me, as she has at other times, that Bill is in the
beginning stages of Alzheimer's. This is apparently
quite hard on her as Bill is not their for here
emotionally and she really needs him now as she has
been diagnosed with Parkinson's and is having quite a
rough go of it. I feel sorry for her when she talks
to me but when I am with both of them I don't side
with anyone and they treat each other quite well. I
found myself being very patient with Bill. We were
playing cards and he would ask me over and over - for
two hours - the same questions re: directions of
playing the game. I found myself quite shocked that I
had such patience with him and I hoped that it did not
bother Betty and she might feel I am siding against
her because she is hurting so badly. What do you
think of this?
Ella,
Armstrong, B.C.
ANSWER
Dear Ella:
It sounds like you are doing very well at not taking
sides yet being there for both your friends in the way
they each need you to be there. You listen to Betty
when she needs to talk to you yet don't turn against
Bill because Betty feels hurt or lonely. Sounds like
you are an encouragement and support to Betty.
With Bill, you seem to have a heart for him also, and
are a friend to him and Betty when you are willing to
spend some hours taking the load off of Betty and
being there to answer Bill when he asks you questions
over and over and are therefore a support to him in
that you show acceptance, sensitivity, and friendship.
It is so helpful when friends will relieve the
partner, at times, of those who have Alzheimers.
Betty will definitely be feeling Bill moving away from
her emotionally and she needs her emotional needs met
by other significant people who are close to her.
You are being an example of what can happen in our
communities with each other if we reach out to give of
ourselves, our acceptance, our time, and our love to
our fellow man. You ask me what I think? I think you
are greatly appreciated by both your friends and are a
port in the storm of their lives that they are being
tossed and torn about in re: their life's
circumstances. Such a storm in peoples lives is this
Alzheimer Disease. It blows in on the families lives
with a hit of great severity and they wonder if they
can weather such a storm of life. The severity of the
storm has the chance to be balanced out and made
liveable when people like you reach out to share the
burden. I would suggest that you continue to be
sensitive and caring and sharing, of yourself, with
your friends. Your life will be blest enormously. We
do indeed reap what we sow. I think it is beneficial
to you all that you continue to weave the golden
threads of friendship through the tapestry of your
friend's lives and watch the outcome of a beautiful
piece of work, master-crafted at the hands of all of
you who are being painters on each others horizons. Shar
QUESTION
Dear Therapist:
On New Years Day my daughter (her name is Mary) and
her boyfriend (Daniel) came over for coffee and
treats. My other daughter (Melanie) lives with me.
All my children are now in their late 40's and 50's.
We were sitting around the table and my younger
daughter's boyfriend said they were going to live
apart and this would be happening sometime in the New
Year we are now in. Then he said, "Well, why doesn't
Mary come and live with you?" Then Mary said, "Well,
I don't know when Malanie is moving." Melanie (my
daughter who lives with me) is leaving sometime
between now and September, when she has the money to
move across the province, to where she is going, to
further her career. I was mortified when Daniel said
this and then my daughter says she doesn't know when
my other daughter is leaving. Everyone knows I am
selling the house. I am 80 years old. Mary knows I
would not have her live with me. No one else can live
with her either. She has a 13 year old son that has
been diagnosed with unmanageable behaviours and she
does not take that much responsibility for him.
Always trying to pawn him off on someone else and she
takes off on her motorcycle. I was shocked that my
daughter didn't say to her boyfriend, "Mom and I have
already discussed this and I won't be living with
Mom." She is trying to wiggle her way into living
here. She does not respect anyone or what they say.
Why won't she hear me? I am too old to have all this
disruption my life anymore and had I known in years
gone by what I know today, it wouldn't have been in my
life then either! I like the peace and contentment I
have found since I have learned to stop being such a
victim of my circumstances.
Cleo
Myrtle Beach, Ontario
ANSWER
Hi Cleo:
From what you have shared here with me I agree with
you that your daughter is certainly displaying
behaviour that says to you, she is not hearing you.
It sounds like she may have her own agenda in regards
to her and her son living with you. You have spoken
up and I hear you say that you still feel very strong
about not having this daughter live with you. All you
can do is continue to stay strong in your stand, no
matter what your daughter says or does. She doesn't
have to hear you. Perhaps you might drop that
expectation you have. YOU have to continue hearing
YOU to be able to continue to stand strong and firm in
what you have already made a decision on. It might be
beneficial for you if you can start to see that your
daughter's behaviour towards you is disrespectful,
self-centered manipulative, etc., etc. This may help
you as when you stop feeling like you are your
daughter's victim you will get angry at the position
she is trying to cement you in that you have clearly
stated you do not wish to be in.
It is all up to you if you chose to let your daughter
move in with you. Only you can decide, for yourself,
if your daughter's behaviour towards you, is
acceptable or unacceptable. Work from there to stay
strong and firm in your decision. Sharing this with
someone outside of your family might be very
supportive to you on this journey you are taking to
continue to enhance the quality of your daily life. Shar
QUESTION
Dear Ms. Counsellor:
My live-in girlfriend and my 3 girls plus my
girl-friends 2 older kids went over to my Mother's
place on Christmas Day. She is 78 years old. She had
invited us over for family Christmas Dinner on
Christmas Eve but I decided to do something else. My
sister was over at my Mom's on Christmas Day also
because she decided to have christmas dinner with her
live-in boyfriends family on Christmas Eve. She did
not invite my mother or my sister who lives with my
mother. She had her live-in boyfriend and her son
with her at my mother's place on christmas day. So, I
phoned my Mom Christmas Day and told her we would drop
in some time and my sister phoned her and told her
they would too. My mother asked me if I could arrange
to come at 12:00 noon as she and my sister were
invited out for Christmas Day Supper at friend's
place. I told my mother I would be there at 1:00 p.m.
but phoned her at 12:50 to tell her that my girlfriend
and I had decided to get our pictures taken
professionally so all of us would be by later.
Anyways, I think my mother should of spent more time
in the living room with us when we did arrive. We
made the effort to go over there so my children could
get their presents from her and the least she could do
was stay put and stop going here and there and taking
pictures and answering the phone, etc., etc. Some
christmas eh?
I go out of my way to fit her in and she didn't give
me the attention I thought she should! What do you
think?
Sam
Winnipeg, Manitoba
ANSWER
Hello Sam:
What I hear you saying in your letter is:
You were invited to your mother's house for family
christmas dinner and you decided to not go.
You told her you would drop over christmas day,
sometime.
You mentioned that you were going to drop over to your
Mom's on christmas day so your children could get
their presents.
You nor your sister invited your mother to be part of
any family christmas time or dinner.
You phoned your mother at the last minute to tell her
you would come over. Not much time to prepare for
company.
You phoned 10 minutes before you were to arrive to
tell your mother you would be later because you had
decided to do something else even though she had told
you she had plans for supper.
Your mother asked you to come by at 12:00 noon. This
was the time she was inviting you to come over. She
let you know she was going out for Christmas Day
Dinner. You then made a decision to add something
else to your list of "things to do before I bother
with my mother," and had no regard for her plans or
that she was still inviting you and your family over
even though you did not include her in family
Christmas.
What do I think? It doesn't really matter what I
think but what is important here is you sharing with
me what you think. And you have stated very clearly,
what you think. I can tell you what I wonder! I
wonder why your mother would invite you over at all! Shar
QUESTION
Hi Shar:
My sister invited us over to her place for supper
during the christmas holidays. She is 89 years old.
She puts on a beautiful dinner. She invited my other
sister over also. She is 81 years old. My 81 year old
sister's daughter was also there. I couldn't believe
what went on. I know my niece is very mean and nasty
and treats her mother with a lot of disrespect. It
hurts my heart. The niece also spoke demeaningly and
very disrespectfully to my other sister who invited us
to her home. I really did not know my niece was this
mean and nasty and that she was like this all the
time. I am not around her a lot but every time I am
she is a mean spirited woman. I have spoken to my
sister about this (the one who has that daughter) and
I try to make her see what is going on and ask her why
she allows it. I finally talked to my friend about
this and she asked my why I would be part of an
evening like that? Well, I have been thinking about
this ever since she said that. It sounds like she did
not understand what I was trying to tell her. Do you
this she understood me?
Isabella
Moncton, New Brunswick
ANSWER
Hi Isabella:
Do I think your friend heard you? Yes I do. You
cannot change the dynamics of the other 3 people
interacting with each other and whether they chose to
spend time together, accept the abusive behaviour from
the niece, etc., etc. What you can take control of is
whether you are willing to be part of it. By being
with them you can feel as badly as you wish but the
fact that you keep being part of all this is a message
that says to them that you are accepting of it all.
How do you sit in something for an evening that makes
you that soul sick? Why do you do it? I think the
focus turned upon yourself may be more helpful here
than looking at the other members of the family.
Since everyone else seems quite content at this
particular time to carry on at their dinner parties
spewing out abuse and taking it there is not much you
can do about that. Your first step in getting them to
hear you would be for you to change your behaviour in
regards to your involvement in there dinner parties.
Taking small steps is helpful. The next time your
sister invites you all over you might share with what
you have shared here with me and tell her that you
will have to leave when it becomes something you do
not want to sit in on. Or, you might refuse the next
invitation and tell her why. Or????? You would have
to come up with what might work for you. Something in
which you can back up, with action, your words. You
will have to do something different in all this for
you to feel O.K. You cannot do anything for the rest
of them. However, as you start setting some personal
boundaries on what you will or will not be part of you
just may encourage one of the other family members,
that you are concerned about, to try something
different also. When you three sisters take the power
away from your niece, to control the whole evening,
you will find SOMETHING will indeed start to change
regarding the dynamics of these dinner parties.
This is it for now folks. I want to wish you all a
prosperous and healthy New Year in 2003.
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Shar