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Talk to Shar
By
Shar Howe
Hi Folks:
Cheery greetings to you as we welcome into our lives another week.
Two of our readers have written in so let's welcome them and get on with seeing what they have to say.
Gentleman from south of the border wrote:
I am a 68 year old senior, just joined the senior club. Hoping to come to Canada to visit and maybe stay. Looking for contacts and friends.
Reply:
Hi there:
Your letter had several issues in it that you shared with me so I will take one issue a week and respond so I can give each of your concerns quality attention.
The first thought that hit me as I read the above was that you certainly have connected with a place where you may indeed get your needs met. This is always important, that we know where to go, to get what we want. Sounds like you have given all this some wise thought and are on your way.
The other thought I had was that a major move can be difficult on us both physically and emotionally, at any time. As we get older it taxes us more and more. It would be wise to take into consideration that any decisions you make around this would not cause you undue stress and despair and leave you stranded in another country. You did not mention your financial status but you would want to make sure you can take care of yourself and not depend on another to do so. When we depend on someone else to make something happen for us and they don't come through we can be left devastated and demolished financially and emotionally.
I am wondering why you want to move up here to Canada? I think you are very wise to make connections first and get acquainted with folk up here and to be open and forthright about what you desire and what you expect from them and what you can do for yourself. If you do make a connection that feels right to you I think you would be very wise to come for a visit first and meet the person face to face and spend some time with them. And remember, to compromise our values or likes and dislikes to get what we want immediately, usually only leads to disaster and despair. Proceed with wisdom and caution. So, be content in your day and in yourself and take one step at a time in your venture and I wish you every success.
It sounds like quite an adventure and I wish you well. Let us know how things go for you.
Please don't hesitate to write again if you would like some on-going support and want to talk about this as you think of various issues surrounding this.
A reader from Australia wrote:
Hello Shar:
I know I am not a Canadian, which is not for want of trying! I love the Senior Year. I am 52 year young lady. I gave up my job early in 2000 to "run away" from home. That is what I see it as now. I had been raising my two wonderful sons alone for 18 years at that time. I just needed to get away and discover myself. I went back to Scotland where I was born and ended up working in a Backpackers Hostel to pay for my trip to Canada. I stayed in Ontario with my pen pal for three months before returning to Scotland. I also visited Germany, my mother's homeland, before returning to Australia. What troubles me greatly is that I now have no job, car or future, by the looks of things. I mourn deeply for Canada and that consumes me. I just want to come back and live there and it seems to be preventing me sorting my life out over here.
I have gone back to using my sons as my excuse for not moving on. We are still sharing the same house. They are 25 and almost 23 but I am consumed with the idea of living in Canada.
I do not have the Professional qualifications that are needed to enter the country and at my age I am not looked at as an asset.
There is nothing for me back here. People my age are not even considered for work and I am not a lady to sit and do nothing. I was brought here in 1965 as the eldest of seven children. I have not had a life until now and now I do not know how to go about living it. I am very much alone except for my sons.
I would appreciate your thoughts on this. Thank you so much for listening.
Reply:
Hello:
I am so glad you wrote in. What I can do in this first connection we have is to try to respond to all you have written. The first step in sorting it all out.
I notice you have a very positive attitude even though you seem to feel a lot of despair also. You said you are "a 52 year young lady." How refreshing! You didn't say you were 52 years old! You were talking about when you were in Scotland and you worked in a Backpackers Hostel to pay for your trip to Canada. What initiative you have! Through our journey here together do try to embrace your strengths. Let the light of your strengths shine through your confusion. It will aide you greatly in wise decision making.
O.K. So, two years you made a decision to quit your job and "run away" as you stated you see it now. It sounds to me like you are having to live in the results and consequences of this choice and you are having a difficult time doing this. Sometimes we make decisions on our emotions and state of mind at the time and throw all caution to the wind. But, when the wind starts blowing the debris of our choices around us, it can be very despairing to stand on solid foundation while the wind of consequences is knocking us to and fro.
You mention that you "ran away" to discover yourself. We often believe that if we go somewhere else geographically everything will then be O.K. We will discover ourselves and all will be fine. Self discovery of course comes from within and if you don't discover yourself where you are at you take your undiscovered self with you wherever you go only to come back to square one and discover you are back where you started. Self discovery is a journey we take when we take ourselves on where we are at and look within ourselves. Having someone to talk to and give us some support and guidance, acceptance and a listening ear can be most helpful. We usually end up feeling depressed and despair when we go somewhere to discover ourselves and we end up back at square one with the same "us" we left with. But this is usually the great step that urges one to start sorting it all out which is what I see you are willing to do.
You say you now have no job, car or future, by the way things look to you at this moment. And you mourn Canada. What is in Canada that you mourn? What is the pain inside of you that is causing you to mourn? Yes, it does sound like this is preventing you from seeing reality. You have any future you decide to make for yourself. You can get a job even though it may not be, today, the exact one you want or think you are worthy of. If you want a car again you can get one. This is reality. Your mourning is also reality but seems to be consuming you. Can you talk more about this? What is in Canada that you feel despair at living without? Is this the same behavior that is coming up within you, to deal with your feelings, as when you left everything two years ago and threw all caution to the wind and just "took off." We need to learn from the decisions we have made and see what worked for us and what didn't and try to use wisdom when we come up against doing the same thing again.
Why are your sons preventing you from moving to Canada? They didn't prevent you from taking off before. Is it your need to be with them that prevents you from moving on? You said you have no one but them. Are you looking to connect with someone in Canada and hope to find a mate so you can move over here? Be very aware of taking this time also to work on your own issues so you do not take unresolved issues into a new relationship and find yourself dumped and stranded in another country because you didn't let someone really know where you are at. You need to take care of you and no one can do it like you can because no one knows you like you do. You sound like a wonderfully exciting and vivacious woman with so much potential. And you certainly are still young enough to embrace this and make it work for you. Continue to work on getting to know you and why you feel as you do and make the decisions you do as you pursue a way to come to Canada.
You say there is nothing for you back there but then you say you use your sons as an excuse to not move on. So, if you let that excuse go, I wonder what would be the reason you do not move on in your life right now?
You say you have not had a life until now yet I read on these pages that you have had quite an exciting life and traveled, etc. Can you share with me why you now feel you have not had a life up until now? What prevented you from having a life before and what is out of the way now that will allow you to now have a life?
I was not able to separate your issues (to discuss one at a time, weekly) everything seems very much intertwined with each other. I trust I have given you some food for thought to expand your thinking on all of this. I look forward to working with you. Write me back and we will continue this in next weeks column or whenever you feel to continue with it.
How brave of you to be willing to voice all of your feelings and be so honest about things.
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