Go to article index for other editions of Talk to Shar
Talk to Shar
By
Shar Howe
Hello Folks:
Did you all have a good rest for your Canada Day Holiday?
It is back to the usual daily tasks now until another wonderful holiday.
I am going to address the rest of the letter that the GENTLEMAN FROM SOUTH OF THE BORDER wrote a few weeks ago:
FIRST PART OF THE LETTER:
I read your article, very impressed, mother use to say "mind over matter, God love her that isn't always so, with my relation, two cousins, one was always the favorite, another, his father didn't pay any atention to him, another friend his father did not want him at all, he was very much affected, one other lady friend she was pregnant, when her husband was killed in the airforce, he mother was so upset when son was born, he was never right. Soemday we might meet.
REPLY:
I am sensing that you are a sensitive man to what goes on around you with the people who are in your life. What you have been sharing seems to focus around family and family issues and how things were dealt with, within the family structure. I can see that these things have affected you whether some of them happened to you or those around you. Would you be willing to take one issue at a time here and expand on it for me and talk about it a little more and tell me what your involvement in each issue was and how you were/are affected?
I look forward to hearing from you on these issues.
SECOND PART OF GENTLEMAN'S LETTER:
I have a ex wife and ex girlfriend, I was working for a liquidator from (name of city withheld so it does not identify who is writing in) I was working in (another city) . Moved to work a job in (another city), then get married in (another city in another state). That didn't work, then no more work, so I moved to (another city and state), this whole state has problems. I am close to Canada, all the Canadians I have met are so gracious. So I am trying to get a connection up in Canada
Newsletter, great. I am 68 year old senior, it seems that women in the sixties range realley have children and grand children and realley are not interested any more relation ships, I guess that's why men have to get younger women!
REPLY:
I see a common thread solidifying it's way throughout the patchwork quilt of your life. Each square (piece of your life) seems to begin and end with moving TO somewhere or someone to find what you are looking for in your life or moving AWAY from somewhere or someone to leave behind what you thought you had found, There must be much disappointment in your life as you share that these things have not worked out for you. Moving seems to be your antecedent to dealing with your losses and disappointments when what you think you have found is exactly what you want and then you find out it isn't.
When you start looking within "yourself "and focusing on "your" behaviours in regards to why what you are doing is not working for you, to get what you want, you are taking the first major step in getting what you want. You can change yourself so you can get what you want but you cannot change someone else in to being what you want them to be. You take yourself with you every time you move and if you want things to be different when you move, you must be different than you were from whence you just came, or you will keep having these failures in relationships.
We need to become what we want, to a large degree, as the type of person we desire will most likely also desire someone with a lot of similar qualities that they admire in themselves. We mirror our values, character and behavior to others who are looking at us. If they see in you the things you value you will have a much higher rate of success in connecting with the type of person you want to connect with. Relationships are a two way street. What you admire in another of values, character and behavior, you become yourself and like minded people will be attracted to you.
I am wondering how you deal with the "ending of/loss" of your relationships? What do you think will be different for you in Canada than in the U.S.A. in the area of relationships?
I am wondering if the first part of your letter has anything to do with the last part when you state that women in their sixties seem to have children and grandchildren and are not interested in having anymore relationships than these. Could it be that you view family type relationships and involvement as less than favorable due to your experiences within the family? Do you feel that if a woman has other close relationships, like with children and grandchildren, that you are put on the back burner of her life? There are many women in their sixties who do not have children let alone grandchildren. Some do not have families that are living anymore. I wonder why you are attracted to the women you know you will leave (family oriented) and therefore sabotage yourself from having the quality of a one on one relationship that you desire? Do you set yourself up to keep losing your relationships by connecting with women where you know you will not feel as significant in the relationship as you want to? Why are you attracted to women with families, grandchildren, children, etc.? What do they have that DOES attract you? Younger women also have all the above mentioned in their lives and as is in older women's lives, some do not.
It might be advantageous to you to stop and take a look at what you want in another person and be willing to wait until you find compatibility before connecting in a more serious vein. This would greatly cut down on your losses and disappointments.
Maybe you would like to meet younger women? Does this really have anything to do with anything else? Isn't it O.K. to want to connect with younger women just because you want to?
You don't mention your financial situation or if you own your own home, etc. Are you able to just come and go and travel and meet people? Do you have family? Do they live near you? Do you have children? Will anyone else be affected by you taking off to Canada or anywhere else?
You might find something here of interest that you would like to give some consideration to thinking about. Looking forward to hearing how things are going for you.
Special note to our readers
- A lady wrote in and asked if it would be permissible if she could ask me to
ask our readers to share with her how they have dealt with a child who has
lost a pet to death, by accident, euthanasia, old age, sickness, etc. She
wanted me to share with her in this column what I could share along with
others. This is a wonderful idea as it is your column. We learn from each
other and I continue to learn from you. I will wait to hear from you fold
and will share with others on your behalf. If you want me to use your name
and city I will. If you want to remain anonymous that is fine to. Just let
me know.
So please take a few minutes and give to our fellow reader any insights,
encouragement or advice re: dealing with the child in the loss of a pet.
Thanks so much to all of you.
Love receiving your letters. It adds to a "healing community" when we reach
out to each other.
Advertising Information 
"