When the death of a loved one occurs, regardless or
whether it was expected or not, you will find yourself
having to deal with a great number of people. Some
you will know closely, others may be complete
strangers, all claiming some kind of relationship to
the deceased.
Whilst grieving for your loved one, you may find
yourself not wanting contact with anybody other than
those to whom you are closest, and having to deal with
so many people can be very difficult. It's important
to understand how to handle them.
Relatives and Close Friends
Those who were close to the deceased need to be
contacted before the funeral. When you break the news,
remember that they will also need the chance to
express their grief and this must be respected, no
matter how deeply distressed you are feeling yourself.
Sometimes it can be difficult, if not impossible to
trace certain family members. Do not feel guilty if
you've not been able to contact them.
Some of those who you will need to contact, may be
people who you do not know personally. If they come to
the funeral and you have not been able to speak to
them properly, it would be a good idea to write or
telephone them later, to thank them for attending.
The Small Funeral
Perhaps you have decided on a small funeral, either
through your own personal preference, or because the
deceased made their own preference clear. Perhaps the
financial side of the funeral will force you to this
decision. Make this clear and stick to your decision.
You may find that some friends or relatives insist on
attending even after you have explained this to them.
Be polite but firm. Explain that you appreciate their
wish to attend, but that it is a family decision
to enforce such a restriction. If
they still insist, they are simply being insensitive
and you may have to take a different approach. You
might tell them that the date of the funeral has not
yet been decided and leave things at that. Whatever
you do, don't allow anyone to emotionally blackmail
you into changing your decision. And don't feel guity
if you needed to lie. They are being insensitive,
and you are simply trying to deal with matters as best
you can.
Polite Conversation
Unless the funeral is very small, it will probably be
impossible for you to speak to all of the people who
attend. Don't even try. Most people will understand
that you are not going to feel like making polite
conversation. You will find that those will any degree
of sensitivity, will simply approach you, kiss your
cheek/shake your hand, and offer their condolences.
They will not expect more than you are able to offer.
The Wake
Most people organise some form of refreshment after
the funeral. This can be a good way of accepting
condolences from those you were unable to speak with
during the actual service. By offering refreshments you
are showing that you are willing to share your grief
with those who are also suffering through their own
loss.
Enlist the help of a friend or two. You may feel that
you will be able to cope, but having support close by
will be very helpful should you find that you are
feeling too upset to appear.
The Will
It's an unfortunate fact that funerals can often
bring out the worst in people. Some of the most long-
lasting family arguments have started at a funeral,
with squabbles over who should get what. You may find
yourself surprised at just who is able to throw
themselves into such arguments, even though they are
in the midst of their own grief.
You may find yourself being quizzed at the graveside.
People can be very clever in their approach, offering
condolences and then adding the innocent question of
what the deceased has left to whom. You may also find
yourself the target of malicious comments regarding
your 'improved financial situation'. There can be
more hidden rivalty within families than most of us
imagine.
You must not allow yourself to be drawn into
arguments. Pretend to ignore any unwanted comments and
questions. If they persist, simply explain that you
are far too upset to think about such matters at the
moment and that if they have a right to know the
contents of the will, they will be contacted in due
course.
In the case of a will having never been made, and where
there is any disagreement regarding who has the
right to what, explain that you will appoint a
solicitor to handle the estate, and explain, as above,
that they will be contacted in due course.
The Following Days
Some people find themselves terribly alone in the
days following the funeral, whereas others feel that
they never have any time to themselves to grieve.
Remember that others cannot read your mind anymore
than you can read theirs, and they are simply doing
what they believe is to be right.
If they choose to stay away, they are probably doing
so out of respect for your privacy. If they choose to
spend as much time as possible with you, this will be
because they fear for your ability to cope alone.
Explain to them what your needs are. If you need
people around you, phone some friends and ask them to
visit. If you need to be alone, explain this politely
snd ask if you may phone them should you need their
company. You will find that most people are very
accommodating as long as they understand your needs.
The loss of a loved one is never easy and nobody will
ever expect it to be. For some the funeral seems to
pass as just a hazy memory, for which they feel guilt
at not remembering the details of this last farewell.
Remember, that it is the memories you have of the
person when alive that are important, and it is these
which will remain clear to you in the future. During
deep grief it can be very difficult to grasp details
of what is happening around us, but this does not mean
you didn't care. Quite the opposite in fact.
Sharon Jacobsen is editor/owner of WeWomen.co.uk
http://www.wewomen.co.uk, a portal and community for
women in the UK, offering a web directory, articles,
ecards, discussion, jokes, poetry, and lots more.
Contact Sharon on sharon@wewomen.co.uk.
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