It has been so great, hearing from you folk. I am very interested in all you share with me about your lives, concerns, thoughts and feelings.
QUESTION:
Hello Ms. Therapist:
I am a 50 year old gentleman who has been married for 20 years. My wife is 40 years old and has Alzheimer's. I am sobbing as I am writing to you. It is too painful. The loss is too painful. What do I do now? She has been put into a home as she is in the final stages and will probably die soon. But the Doctors said that a few years back and she is still here and I have nothing in my life but pain, watching her become someone I do not know. She does not know me. I am her husband. We shared so much. What do I do? I have thought to get a girl-friend so I can live with this pain and loss. I don't know what to do. I love my wife but I do not exist for her yet she still is so much a part of my life. It is so unfair and cruel - life! Help me if you can.
John
Picton, Ontario
ANSWER:
Hi John:
I am so glad to see you reaching out to help yourself through this abyss of pain you are in. And you are doing this by reaching out to talk and share. I hope you are doing the same where you live. Perhaps if you are not connected to a Alzheimer's support group you will do so. Pain shared is intensity of pain lessened a bit over a period of time. Being with people who walk in your shoes is very healing. They are people who understand exactly what you are going through. Getting connected with the Alzheimer's Society in your city is quite beneficial as you will have all the opportunities you want and need to talk to someone on a one to one basis.
It certainly sounds as if you are very much in the grieving stage of your loss. And to a large degree this won't lessen until your wife is gone. Seeing her is a constant reminder to you of how unfair and unkind you feel life has been to you. I don't know how often you go see your wife but are you open to considering cutting some of your time with her and moving into the next stage of dealing with your grief by putting some of that focus on taking care of yourself emotionally. You are giving, giving, giving, to someone who cannot reciprocate in any way. This can drain the giver and breed resentment and anger due to the fact that you are emptying yourself and receiving nothing to fill yourself up again. Perhaps it is time to prepare for when your wife is no longer there for you to visit and spend time with. What will you do then if you do not start addressing this area now and start to do for yourself so you do not crumble and fall apart because you lose all you have? Have you considered this?
In regards to your comment about perhaps getting a girlfriend. Only you can decide for yourself if this is what is best for you but as I try to remind all partners of Alzheimer's's - you are bringing in a third party at this time - triangulation - and so the pain, frustration, resentment, tears, needs unmet is now shared between three people instead of two. I believe we all have a responsibility to be aware of the emotional baggage we are taking into another relationship and to be very upfront about it. Would you want someone to bring you into their life under the same circumstances that you would bring someone into yours?
It sounds to me like you are wanting someone to comfort you and help you through your grieving. Have you considered a "grief therapist" or as I mentioned earlier - Alzheimer's Association. They are very adept at walking through the pain
and loss of partners. Most of the counsellors there have lived
through and are living through exactly what you are going through.
I am so sorry for the pain I hear you are in. It seems as if your heart is being ripped apart and your life source being taken from you. It is time to start taking care of you now before the final blow of loss happens. And even if your wife did not die it is time for you to start taking the responsibility to take care of you. Let others be there for you, meet your emotional needs, give you empathy and sympathy and strong support in helping you pick up the pieces of your life and heart and move on in your life. Other people will have to now do for you what your wife no longer can do. Those who have and are now walking in your shoes want to give all this to you at your time of loss and grief.
I am not totally convinced that the spirit of one who has alzheimer's does not indeed know what we may find difficult to comprehend. If your wife's spirit knows you still, she must be rejoicing for the great love you two shared and the pure and undefiled love you still give to her.
Bless you John! Now I am weeping. Take care of yourself for only in doing so can your spirit or your wife's spirit rejoice and settle in the peace and tranquility of unrequited love.
I have a quote I would like to share with you:
"When the heart grieves
over what it has lost,
the spirit rejoices over
what it has left."
I want to share two suggestions that readers have sent in over the last two weeks. These are in regards to how you might help yourself.
Get involved in volunteer work at the Alzheimer's Society as
when you reach out to help others you end up helping your-
self.
If you want to feel you have a purpose for living once again
be available for others, who walk in your shoes, to talk to
you.
This brings you out of yourself and by doing this your are
being part of your own healing.
Until next week!
I would like to hear from anyone who has handled this issue in a different manner. Has anyone gone and got a girlfriend? How was this positive in your life and how was it negative? Do you suggest this? Love to hear from anyone regardless of your point of view or way of dealing with issues in your life. We can all learn by listening. And we all deserve to be listened to.
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